Hey everyone, Dr. Dobson is back and boy am I pissed!

Now don”t get me wrong. I love the rain. Some days, I just want to walk in it and let it soak me, especially on a warm day. But as a Doctor, I need to keep up appearances too, which is where the umbrella comes in. The problem is, I’m also a cheap bastard and you know, when you’re a cheap fuck like me, that attitude sometimes comes back to bite you on the ass that you’ve been sitting on while you write out prescriptions for sweet sweet Valium and codeine.

It was a few weeks ago when, as winter’s claws were just about to lose their grip, I woke up to one of those days where it rains, then snows, then sleets, then who the hell knew what was next. I had an important meeting and I needed an umbrella to protect “the look”. I couldn’t walk in there looking like one of my patients you know, with last years leaves and acid rain in my coif.

I put off buying an umbrella all winter because, who the hell needs one in the snow? And besides, the one I had was ‘stolen’ by my colleague who was ‘just going out for a smoke’ and then never returned. I mean that. He never returned as in, we never saw him again. Whatever. He was a crackpot and I got his office, which was way better than mine after I had it fumigated.

Anyway, I head over to the local pharmacy and I find a nice classy black one for $9.99. No way in hell am I spending $30 on one with a wood handle. I may be pretentious, but I don’t need to tattoo it on my forehead, you know? God, you’d think you’d get a drug store discount being a doctor and all, but no you don’t. Seems you need ‘integrity’ or some shit.

As it happens, my trusty umbrella is compact, versatile and yes, it keeps me dry. It’s pretty good in fact, and it served me wonderfully for about 1 fucking month! That’s it. Thing self destructed for no reason, no warning, and it happened INDOORS! I would be a little less pissed if it happened in a windstorm, because no umbrella can handle gale force winds no matter how well made they are.

I was out there having  a stroll on a nice spring morning. I had just taken a shower and didn’t want another one, so I brought Snappy along. I was getting a feel for this umbrella and named it as such for the way it would snap right open on a dime. Hitting the trigger felt  like cocking my pistol for instant protection from the disgusting fluid dripping from the sky that day. When I returned home however, I noticed that Snappy the umbrella would not click shut when I folded it.

Once inside, I inspected the main spine, which had dislodged somehow from the center hole. I try, ever so gently to guide it back in when suddenly BANG, the whole thing pops apart and I’m surrounded by the tinny sounds of almost every spoke tinkling to the floor. And there I am left holding what looks to be a dead bat on a leash. Like some jerk.

Sad to say, the rain continued for another two days, so I was forced to shell out another $9.99 for a new one.

Dobson, M.D.